Becoming Moms // What do I have left?

What do I have left?

2008-12-31 -- 8:24 p.m.

I haven't written.
I didn't realize it's almost been a month...
I haven't written anywhere, at all.

We went to Ohio for Christmas, drove in on the 20th. The 22nd, the Monday following, I went to the hospital for the stomach pain I'd been having since the Tuesday before we left. The hospitals in the vicinity of where I grew up suck completely. But, in short, I have a gall stone. I'll be having it removed at some point.

Something has happened to me. I can't even explain it. I can trace it back to the arrival in Ohio. I had no interest in anything. Didn't want to go anywhere. Felt completely isolated and alone. I had absolutely no one to visit except my mom. Which is fine. I guess. But I had no one to see and wanted to see no one. This deep apathy erupted from somewhere I can not place. I haven't particularly enjoyed the holidays at all... And it's seeping into New Year's. I didn't even know until 3 o'clock today that it was New Year's Eve. And when I realized it, I didn't even care. This made me even more sad. I'm caught somewhere between crying uncontrollable and denying myself any emotion at all. I loved this time of year... I always have. I feel like someone has taken a gigantic hole-puncher to me. Someone else's confetti.

I don't feel romantic. I don't feel passionate. I don't feel sexy. I don't feel sexual. I don't feel feminine, beautiful, or womanly. I don't feel interesting or interested. I don't feel love.

I also don't feel that we're still having a baby. This is the cause for the desire to cry myself into a blubbering, splotchy mess. We need a second car. We have to have one. We need a couch, we need our door's fixed. All things that can be remedied, without much trouble at all. I feel like I'm the only one who is willing to do what needs to be done to make these things happen. To make our family happen. Some time inbetween Thanksgiving and before Christmas shopping I abandoned my hopes for a family. My intuition is screaming if it isn't now, it isn't ever. One more mark in the direction of crying. I am so worn down with the negativity. Being constantly reminded of everything we don't have. Of how it would be "better if..."

My spirit is exhausted with it. I can't be the only one fighting for this. Not a child, not a life. I keep thinking how it's almost 2009... The year I was "supposed" to get pregnant. Not the year I'm going to. All the negativity and pessimism has eaten me away. I feel like a burn victim. The constant abrasion to scrub the bacteria away just as harmful as the heat that has crippled me. I have worn my can-do attitude like a protective helmet. It's worn and faded. No longer useful. No longer useful.

I no longer feel the fighter.

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